3:52 AM

It's been a while. I don't know if anyone reads this. I doubt it. It's meant to be more of a diary anyway.

I'm awake. It's almost 4 and I'm drinking gin and tonics. I've had two, but I made them strong. I'm worried that I'm doing it to escape from Andrew, to escape from myself. I don't want to drink for the wrong reasons.

I don't really know how to feel these days. I have creativity but I'm too self-conscious to direct it anywhere except making k-pop edits. I occasionally draw, but I'm not that good, so it feels pointless.

I wish I could write. Really write, I mean. Maybe I'm just out of practice, or it's because I have no direction to go in. I never have any direction.

I don't quite know who I am.

Well, that's not entirely true. I know who I am, for the most part. It's just that I have no idea what to do. I know what I want, mostly. The list is strange right now,

Travel the country, a la Lana Del Rey's "Ride"
Settle down eventually and get married; have kids.
Find something I like that I can earn a living off of

I can't think of anything else right now. I'm relatively drunk. I guess I wanted this to be a "stream of consciousness" type thing, but it's not going anywhere, is it?

I don't know if I should go to sleep or what. Six minutes have passed since I started writing and I hardly have anything down. It's now 3:58 AM. I was afraid the time would change while I was typing that and now I can't stop looking at the clock. It's still 3:58.

My head hurts, almost like a brain freeze. It's been like this for almost an hour now. Maybe I'll go downstairs and have another cigarette. Andrew's asleep and I make bad decisions when he's not around to tell me not to. I always need someone to reprimand me or I'll do stupid shit. The only thing that motivates me is fear.

Let's Talk About Me

The first thing I'm going to do on here is introduce myself. Everyone likes talking about themselves, even if they're not crazy about themselves. On other social media I have, I've introduced myself in a bit of a watered-down version of the truth. That's another thing everyone does. Since this is my personal blog, though, and one I doubt many people will ever read, I'll just be as honest as possible.

A lot of people like to talk about their interests. It's easy, so I think we'll start there. As far as hobbies go, I mostly do things I don't view as particularly productive. I enjoy knitting and crocheting, but since I sat on my new rosewood needles and snapped them a couple of weeks ago, I've lost the urge. I also enjoy drawing, although in my view I'm pretty damn bad at it. I thought I'd give it another stab, seeing as how it's been years since I've created anything, fine-art-wise. I like fiddling around on the computer, but certainly not in any technical sense. More like looking at pictures and daydreaming. I'm trying to spend less time stewing. It's going okay. 

So let's get down to the Facebook nitty-gritty here. Religious Views: Wiccan. Political Views: Socialist. I'll elaborate. I'm not really a practicing Wiccan. By not really, I mean not at all. It's a bit unpractical for me, since I'm extremely messy and don't really want to create a space for rituals and such. I'm also essentially agnostic, but far less hard-line than I used to be. I believe in ghosts, even though I don't believe in them. My boyfriend laughs at me and tries to scare me. I'm fascinated with the occult, and the "creepier" aspects of Catholicism. I want to collect statues of Mary. 

I need a new paragraph to talk about my political views. My high school English teachers would be disappointed. Anyway, I'm a "socialist". I say "socialist" and not just socialist, because this is another of my watered-down internet views. I can't really describe my political views in one word, but it seems the simplest shorthand. My political views are extremely important to me, and I hold them not just as views in the political sphere, but as values in my practical life. I'm a feminist (more on that in another post, likely). I believe in the eradication of class, although I contribute to that system. I believe you can't have your cake and eat it, too. There is no such thing as a fiscally conservative, socially liberal person. I despise Libertarianism. I can't stand wishy-washy.

Location: Indianapolis. I currently live on the East Side of Indianapolis, Indiana. My house is an improvement over the last place I lived. I was born at the Community South Hospital in Indianapolis on October 25, 1995. I lived with my Nana (paternal grandmother) and parents until I was 5. We moved to Fishers, a suburb north of Indianapolis. We lived in a one-story ranch house for a year. Then we moved to a huge house in Fishers when I was 6, and Nana moved in with us. My brother, Clayton, was born in 2003. My parents still live in that house today, although Nana has moved out. I moved out of my parents home when I was 18, to go to beauty school in Speedway (yes, that's where the Indy 500 is held). I lived there for a year, then moved to Fountain Square, a trendy neighborhood just southeast of downtown. I lived there for another year. I recently moved to the East Side. I live in a house now. It's not that different, but better.

I live with my boyfriend and two roommates. My boyfriend's name is Andrew and we've been together for 2 years. My roommates are Rain, whom I've lived with for a year, and Trent, my best friend's boyfriend. So far things are an improvement over the apartment in Fountain Square, which was above a music venue. A bad music venue that stood for all kinds of things I hated and played 5 shows a week. It almost drove me to death. I don't know if I'm lucky.

Education: ha. I went to beauty school in Speedway for a few months before dropping out. In high school, I attempted to drop out but ended up graduating a semester early at the insistence of my counselors. No one wants a "gifted and talented" student in their dropout statistics. I'm not good at finishing things. I don't know who I am.

I have a severe anxiety disorder which I've been carrying with me since I was 8. I've learned to live with it, but having panic attacks over small things isn't fun no matter how you play it. I worry about bigger things, obviously. My ultimate fear is failure, which has been realized over and over again. I know I see things as failures that are just first attempts. I'm working on it.

I'm working on it. I want to be better. I want to explore the things I love and see where life takes me. I'm horrible at being "go-with-the-flow". I want a plan and I can't plan my life. I promise I'm trying.

L'appel du vide

I've decided to make this blog an effort to write more. I've named it "L'appel du vide", which is a French sentiment expressing the inexplicable desire to jump when on the edge of a cliff. It literally translates to "call of the void". I feel like taking some chances in my life. I can feel my own "l'appel du vide".

I'm not quite sure at this point what I intend this blog to be. I don't expect many people will read it, but it's more for me than anything. I suppose I want it to be something of a diary; a place where I can write whatever I feel at the time. 

If you read this, anyone, I hope you get something out of it.