It's been a while. I don't know if anyone reads this. I doubt it. It's meant to be more of a diary anyway.
I'm awake. It's almost 4 and I'm drinking gin and tonics. I've had two, but I made them strong. I'm worried that I'm doing it to escape from Andrew, to escape from myself. I don't want to drink for the wrong reasons.
I don't really know how to feel these days. I have creativity but I'm too self-conscious to direct it anywhere except making k-pop edits. I occasionally draw, but I'm not that good, so it feels pointless.
I wish I could write. Really write, I mean. Maybe I'm just out of practice, or it's because I have no direction to go in. I never have any direction.
I don't quite know who I am.
Well, that's not entirely true. I know who I am, for the most part. It's just that I have no idea what to do. I know what I want, mostly. The list is strange right now,
Travel the country, a la Lana Del Rey's "Ride"
Settle down eventually and get married; have kids.
Find something I like that I can earn a living off of
I can't think of anything else right now. I'm relatively drunk. I guess I wanted this to be a "stream of consciousness" type thing, but it's not going anywhere, is it?
I don't know if I should go to sleep or what. Six minutes have passed since I started writing and I hardly have anything down. It's now 3:58 AM. I was afraid the time would change while I was typing that and now I can't stop looking at the clock. It's still 3:58.
My head hurts, almost like a brain freeze. It's been like this for almost an hour now. Maybe I'll go downstairs and have another cigarette. Andrew's asleep and I make bad decisions when he's not around to tell me not to. I always need someone to reprimand me or I'll do stupid shit. The only thing that motivates me is fear.
